U.S. Presidency to be Outsourced
WASHINGTON DC -- Congress today announced that the office of President of the United States of America will be outsourced to India as of May 1, 2006.
The move is being made to save the President's $400,000 yearly salary, and also a record $521 billionin deficit expenditures and related overhead the office has incurred during the past 5 years. "We believe this is a wise move financially. The costsavings should be significant," stated CongressmanThomas Reynolds (R-WA). Reynolds, with the aid of theGovernment Accounting Office, has studied outsourcing of American jobs extensively. "We cannot expect to remain competitive on the world stage with the current level of cash outlay," Reynolds noted.
Mr. Bush was informed by email this morning of histermination. Preparations for the job move have been under way for sometime. Rupinder Singh of IndusTeleservices, Mumbai, India, will be assuming the office of President as of January 21st. Mr. Singh was born in the United States while his Indian parents were vacationing at Niagara Falls, thus making him eligible for the position. He will receive a salary of$320 (USD) a month but with no health coverage or other benefits. It is believed that Mr. Singh will beable to handle his job responsibilities without a support staff. Due to the time difference between the U.S. and India, he will be working primarily at night,when few offices of the U.S. Government will be open. "Working nights will allow me to keep my day job at the American Express call center, "stated Mr. Singhin an exclusive interview. "I am excited about this position. I always hoped I would be President someday."
A Congressional spokesperson noted that while Mr.Singh may not be fully aware of all t he issues involved in the office of President, this should not be a problem because Bush was not familiar with the issues either. Mr. Singh will rely upon a script tree that will enable him to respond effectively to most topics of concern. Using these canned responses, he can address common concerns without having to understand the underlying issues at all. "We know these scripting tools work," stated the spokesperson."President Bush has used them successfully for years."
Bush will receive health coverage, expenses, and salary until his final day of employment. Following a two week waiting period, he will be eligible for $240a week unemployment for 13 weeks. Unfortunately he will not be eligible for Medicaid, as his unemployment benefits will exceed the allowed limit.
Mr. Bush has been provided the out placement services of Manpower, Inc.to help him write a resume and prepare for his upcoming job transition. According to Manpower, Mr.Bush may have difficulties in securing a new position due to limited practical work experience. A greeter position at Wal-Mart was suggested due to Bush's extensive experience shaking hands and smiling no matter what the circumstances.
Another possibility is Bush's re-enlistment in theTexas Air National Guard. His prior records are conspicuously vague but should he choose this option,he would likely be stationed in Waco, TX for a month,before being sent to Iraq, a country he has visited."I've been there, I know all about Iraq," stated Mr.Bush, who gained invaluable knowledge of the country in a visit to the Baghdad Airport's terminal and giftshop.
Sources in Baghdad and Falluja say Mr. Bush would receive a warm reception from local Iraqis. They have asked to be provided with details of his arrival so that they might arrange an appropriate welcome.